Notes from the Shadows of Cooperstown
Observations From Outside the Lines |
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I'm sure Joe Garagiola will not mind my borrowing his old book title
for this issue of NOTES. Because Joe has a sense of humor, and that's what this
issue is all about.
All of the items here are new to the internet, I am fairly sure. This
is not an attempt to reprint every item I think is or was humorous, nor do the
selections follow any theme. (After the "Juiced Ball" expose, which is new, the
items are chronological, and definitely not logical.)
A note to publishers who regularly check out NOTES in their pursuit of
potential best-sellers: yes, I probably could scrape together enough humor from
the NOTES Archive for a small book. Offer any decent advance and I'll give it a
shot.
I do hope that the internet is kind to the items that involve
"strikeouts" -- words that appear, in hard copy, with lines through them (the
word "strikeout" comes, in this case, from Wordperfect, not Abner.) I know that
sometimes special punctuation can be a problem, when you move from Wordperfect
to Word to hypertext and so on. So if your screen appear to have a lot of
gibberish in some sections, scroll on, please.
(This is one of those issues where I wish I was printing it myself and
mailing it out. I always found that "strikeouts" required extra proof-reading.
But they were worth it, and many NOTES readers in the early days responded to
mine with "strikeouts" of their own. And you all may do that, too.)
PLAYING WITH TITLES DEPT.
That time of year again, when I explain what is the real topic behind
these titles, selected for the Cooperstown Symposium on Baseball and the
American Culture, June 7-9, 2000.
Baseball, Branch Rickey and the Future.
Takes a look at Rickey's little-known addiction to fortune-telling,
which was behind his Continental League proposal.
The African-American Baseball Player in Film.
Spends 'way too much time on Bingo Long, not enough on Jackie. Includes
special tribute to James Earl Jones.
"I Haven't Got Ballplayers: I've Got Girls": Portrayals of Women in
Baseball Film.
Includes the revelation that the first managers in the AAGBL actually
thought they were hired to train Double-A men.
'Walter Johnson' by Jonathan Richman: The Portrait of a Hero in
Song.
An attempt to honor The Big Train via a series of whistles from actual
locomotives, which mercifully obscure the lyrics.
Safe at Home: Forging Intergenerational Alliances
Examines the Dingbat's critical role as umpire in All in the
Family, and ponders why Charlie Brown's little league never permitted
adults.
Comparative Ethnicity: Joe DiMaggio and Hank Greenberg
Not for the politically correct, this session will feature pasta and
bagels at the break. Be ready to vote at the end!
Advertising vs Dignity: The Evolution of the Baseball Uniform
Includes the prediction that the logos on the unis in Japan this spring
were just the tip of an ugly iceberg, and that catchers will be required to
wear wooden sandwich boards in 2001.
Customer Discrimination in Memorabilia: New Evidence for MLB
Panelists will be handed baseballs and asked to place a dollar value on
each. Only forgeries will be used, and the main entertainment value here is to
embarrass the panelists.
A Flexible Metaphor: Baseball in the Classroom
Promises to include some treatment of Casey High, CA, where freshmen
students are called rookies, and term papers earn a grade somewhere between
"Swinging Strikeout" and "Grand Slam."
Baseball, Religion and Postmodernism
Describes expansion, interleague plague and World Series games that
start at 9 Eastern as heresies, while stressing the need for a true
reformation. Relies too much on papal encyclicals, but the suggestion of a
World Council to deal with controversial innovations like the DH is
refreshing.
SAFE AT HOME -- A BASEBALL CARD MYSTERY
Safe at Home is the title of a book by Robert Skead (Cross
Training Publishing, 1999), and the genre is clearly youth fiction. Mr Skead
was kind enough to send me a review copy, and so I will review it here,
although NOTES is not for kids.
First, it's a quick read -- under a hundred pages, you could finish it
during almost any decent rain delay. It will help to start at the back of the
book, where the author separates fiction from fact. Yes, Babe Ruth's rookie
card is the 1915 Sporting News #151, but no, it's not worth $50,000 --
in mint condition, maybe $3,000. All of the characters (except for Ruth,
Christy Mathewson and Mike McNally, of all people) are fictional, as is the
reference that there are four games in baseball history that no one can look
up.
Now I have moralized some myself over the years about the artificial
value placed on photogenic pieces of cardboard (the short story The
Pilgrim still says it best for me), and I don't mind the jacking up of the
Ruth card. But even if the thing was worth a mere $3,000 -- there is no way
that an eleven-year-old kid gets to take it to school. Would you hand your kid
three thousand dollars (or fifty thou!) and let him meander away? So that may
be the biggest stretch of imagination this little book demands.
But the invention of games you can't look up bothers me more. Unless we
are talking Negro League baseball, one of the important features of baseball is
that you can look it up. That is not just a slogan popularized by Casey
Stengel, it is a mantra for baseball historians, from SABR members to average
fans.
Would I read this book to my eleven-year-old son? Well, I think I
would, but I'd digress here and there along the way. The plot is not bad at all
(that is, not totally predictable, although I'm lousy at guessing the endings
in mysteries. My wife, who devours mysteries like I read baseball, is a great
guesser.) The religious tone in some parts is not so preachy that it gets in
the way. I think Jewish and Muslim readers could still enjoy the book. I
think.
To be fair, I think "youth" is a tough target for any author to take
on. There were times when I was happy that my son was reading -- period! (My
daughter seems to have gotten a fairly lop-sided share of the Reading Genes in
the family.) It is tough to keep the language simple (Skead does a good job at
this), but not too simple. Kids are fascinated (for a couple years in most
cases, in my experience) with baseball cards and their value. And eleven can be
a crucial time to get hooked on the game for life.
I used to teach remedial high school theology (it wasn't called that,
but that's what it was), and I don't think Safe at Home does any harm (a
compliment), and it is fairly entertaining.
NEWS ITEM: MLB TO CHECK ON 'JUICED BALL' MYTH
A delegation from the Commissioner's Office, led by Sandy Alderson and
Rawlings senior VP Ted Sizemore, have released their report on the Turrialba,
Costa Rica, factory where all baseballs used in the major leagues are
assembled.
While the scrutiny of materials, all manufactured in the U.S., revealed
that the cowhide has changed in recent years, the most significant difference
was the size and strength of the workers who hand-sew each ball.
"There is no question that the cowhide has been affected by two
unrelated factors," Sizemore concluded. "Mad cow disease has taken its toll,
but as soon as that was discovered, steps were taken to remove the affected
balls from major league play. The last batch was found in Pedro Martinez'
locker at Fenway over the winter.
"The other factor was much more subtle and took much longer to detect.
Cows have been feeding on genetically-engineered grains for some time now.
There is no question that the DNA of the cowhide available to Major League
Baseball today is quite different from that tested in samples from 1940, 1950
and 1960. We decided on the DNA test after noticing that butterflies landing on
contemporary baseballs almost immediately go into convulsions and keel
over."
Alderson highlighted the most significant finding of the committee.
"The men and women -- mostly women -- who hand-sew the covers onto each
baseball have bulked up, there is no question about it. Some have obviously
taken steroids and other substances which are quite legal in Costa Rica. Some
have been on extensive body-building programs, some with trainers from the
former East Germany. They not only wrap the balls faster, but much tighter. The
stitchers of today make those of just ten years ago seem like clumsy surgeons
wearing boxing gloves. It's just remarkable."
"The presence of the former East German trainers was disturbing. We
questioned them and found they were Communists who believed the Cold War was
alive and well. We also found a Cuban connection for many of the andro-like
pills the workers consume. It appears that a conspiracy cannot be ruled out.
This theory was given even more credence when a number of the factory staff
turned out to be from Communist China, although they had become citizens of
Costa Rica -- all within the last decade."
"We were not surprised that large posters of Mark McGwire and other
home-run hitters of recent years were prominent throughout the factory. But
when the captions were translated, they all read, 'We will bury you.'
Obviously, this saying was an important clue in uncovering the Red plot. The
Communists are out to destroy baseball by making the home run commonplace, and
they are succeeding. This report to MLB's czar will end the threat."
From the NOTES Archive -- Notes #11 (April 25, 1993)
LEADING OFF WITH FIVE STRIKEOUTS
I associate this game with The Saturday Evening Post, but I
might be off base there. Anyway, our Research Dept. has come up with the rough
drafts of some famous baseball quotations, and don't we all enjoy to see how
great men struggle for words that go down in history?
"Nice guys finish in the cellar in the second
division behind the out of the money
last." (Leo Durocher)
"Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the
planet on the Yankees in baseball on
the face of the globe map earth." (Lou
Gehrig, the Steel Stallion Iron Horse.)
"If cows sheep horses won't
run on relieve themselves on eat it, I don't
want to run on relieve myself on play on it."
(Dick Allen, on the merits of Astroturf.
"Don't think twice glance behind you
turn around look back, somebody
someone something may be catching up
getting closer gaining on you." (Satchel Paige)
"O, it's fun peachy keen some
kind of wonderful great to be past pimples
old enough to drink beer young and a left-handed
batter a second-baseman not have to face
Mathewson on McGraw's side in a fight a Giant."
(Grinning Laughing Larry Doyle)
From the NOTES Archive -- #12 (May 2, 1993)
THE BABE VISITS A HOSPITAL
We don't know how many hospitals Babe Ruth visited in his long and
storied career, or how many home runs he dedicated to the kids he met there.
But we can be pretty certain that the Babe never ran into a boy SABRmetrician
like the one in the story below. Did he grow up to be Bill James?
"Hi ya, kids!" bellowed the Bambino as he entered the children's ward.
"The Babe is here to cheer you up!"
"Then put out that cigar so we can breathe, Babe," yelled the
blond tot, waving away the clouds of smoke that followed the Yankee legend like
Lou Gehrig in the lineup. "We thought you were checking in with another belly
ache."
"Uh, not this time, kid. Say, you guys want to see me hit a homer for
you today?"
"Don't play games with our health, Babe," answered the lad by the
window. "Your HR percentage is great, but it's still less than 1 out of 10 this
summer. How about promising us a strikeout -- the odds are twice as good."
"Or just an out, Babe. You can almost guarantee an out today,"
the boy in the wheelchair chimed in. "We're 2-to-1 on that bet."
The giant in pinstripes pondered the requests. "O.K., boys, you win.
I'm going to dedicate the first out I make today to you. I want to all to
listen to the game, you hear?"
"Sure will, Babe. We'll be cheering that out, you can be sure of that!
And, hey -- can we have your autograph?"
The famous Ruthian smile now broadened between his ears. "Why, I'd be
honored, kids. Here, let me at that cast."
"No, not the cast, Babe. Here, here's a box of balls. My dad can sell
them at work to help pay the hospital bills."
"Gee, fellas, I don't know ... I thought you'd want some souvenirs for
yourselves.... How about I just shake everybody's hand?"
"Sorry, Babe, this room's quarantined and we're all pretty contagious.
You took a real risk just coming in here without a mask. Didn't you read the
sign on the door?"
"Read? Uh, well, to tell the truth my eyes are a little blurry. I was
just heading to the stadium for some coffee, see?" The Sultan of Swat backed
swiftly toward the door, covering his face with his famous left arm. "Men, it's
been great visiting with you ... gotta go now, get ready for today's game ...
remember, you all listen, and when I smack that homer --"
"An OUT, Babe, we wanna OUT!" they yelled back in chorus.
"Right -- when you hear that out, well, you'll know the Babe has you in
mind, and you'll all feel better, right?"
"You bet, Babe," the youngster on crutches called out, winking an eye,
as the slugger ran down the hallway, his spikes clacking on the marble.
And from that same issue, #12:
FIVE EASY PIECES MORE STRIKEOUTS
"Pitching is certainly more than half oh,
maybe three-quarters 75% 85% 80%
of the game." (attributed to Connie Mack)
"The Giants are is in bad shape
on the ropes terminal just about
done dead." -- Leo Durocher? Or was it Chuck Dressen?
"I honestly believe I would have played the game for a pitcher
of beer a six-pack? how about a shot and a
glass? nothing. I was that crazy about the sport." (Honus Wagner,
The Golden Hind The Sauerkraut Kid The
Flying Dutchman.)
"Hit 'em where there are no fielders there are
holes in the infield nobody can get 'em they
aren't ain't." (Wee Willie Keeler)
"It ain't over til the twelfth of never the fat
lady leaves I say it's Hanes the morning
after it's over." (Yogi Berra)
From the NOTES Archive -- #13 (May 9, 1993)
BASEBALL MOVIE TITLES THAT NEVER MADE IT
COW MAVERICK STUD
MARLBORO RED DEVIL BULL
RALEIGH DURHAM
BEAT RAP TAP
BOOM ROLL BANG THE TRIANGLE
DRUM SLOWLY
A LEAGUE OF WOMEN BALLPLAYERS MADONNA &
CO. FEMALE JOCKS
LADIES IN UNIFORM THEIR OWN
EIGHT MEN IN DEEP DOO-DOO UP TO THEIR
AND A BABY OUT
From the NOTES Archive -- #15 (May 23, 1993)
BOOK TITLES THAT STRUCK OUT
GUYS MILLIONAIRES MEN AT
PLAY THE OLD BALL GAME WORK (G. Will)
BASEBALL IS A MANY-SPLENDORED THING
HILARIOUS SOMETIMES-SERIOUS
STRANGE FUNNY THING GAME (Joe Garagiola)
VEECK, AS IN YECCH! TREK
DECK PECK WRECK (Bill Veeck)
From the NOTES Archive -- #44 (November 27, 1993)
SEQUELS WE'LL NEVER SEE
One Flew Over the Visitors' Bullpen. This film picks up where
Cuckoos Nest ended, the Chief fleeing to Cleveland, where he signs on
with the Tribe, and plays out his days -- safely, because Indians with power
and other skills often go undetected there. [Hey, that was 1993, before Albert
& Manny & Jim T!]
2130: A Space/Time Oddity. Since no one quite knew what to make
of the end of 2001, this sequel makes no explanation of why it begins
with outtakes from Pride of the Yankees, then focuses on the abduction
of Wally Pipp by aliens, and their infiltration of the planet, starting with
first base.
Bang the Drum Louder. A remake of Slowly, but in
rock-opera format.
Darn Yankees. Another remake, with a G rating. Lola pays for
whatever she wants in this version, with Mary Lou Retton in the role. Joe Hardy
resists the temptation of Applegate early on, so the plot falls apart, and the
Senators finish last as usual.
Lawrence of San Diego. The setting is in the desert that was once
Jack Murphy Stadium, with Peter O'Toole in the title role, searching for lost
treasures that might pay for a new team.
From the NOTES Archives -- #47 (December 28, 1993)
MORE UNSEEN SEQUELS
Dances With Mud Hens ... Jamie Farr recreates his
M*A*S*H character, as Klinger comes home and makes the team, only to see old
habits return, costing the film its PG rating.
The Pride of the Yankees ... this re-make doesn't
make it, as the central character becomes not the first baseman, but the owner.
In the final scene, George is embattled at the Yankee Stadium pitcher's mound,
a la Custer, as former managers close in.
The Preternatural ... on the surface, a biography
of Billy Sunday, but actually a propaganda piece done by a cult that now
inhabits the catacombs beneath the site of Ebbets Field.
Eight Men Out and One to Go ... challenges the
conspiracy theory of the 1919 Black Sox scandal, focusing on the evidence that
points instead to a lone fixer, manager Lee Harvey "Kid" Gleason.
Pit Bull Durham ... Kevin Costner is back, but
this time as a sinister former-player-turned-owner, who whips his team
(literally) into loving and respecting The Game.
From the NOTES Archive -- #48 (January 8, 1994)
POLITICALLY CORRECT BASEBALLESE [January 8, 1994]
The pitcher was sent down transferred to an alternate
peer group because his arm was shot kinetically
challenged.
Good field, no hit but his talents are bunched with
his defensive assets. His hitting skills remain largely potential.
Eddie Gaedel wasn't short, he was designed for maximum walk-efficiency
and possessed a great on-base advantage.
The umpire was blind gifted in areas other than sight
and sound judgement.
He struck out a lot succeeded in creating at-bats
which avoided ground-ball double-plays, because he tried to yank every
pitch out of the park gave much evidence of power and mightily
entertained the fans in his attempts to please their preference.
From the NOTES Archive -- February 10, 1994
ACADEMY AWARD WINNING BASEBALL FLICKS [February 10,
1994]
Around the World in 80 Days ... very much like
Bingo Long, this film takes its title from a legendary
Josh Gibson home run.
You Can't Take It With You ... based on the book
Billions and Baseball, this documentary explores the
history of owner-player relations, from the age of slavery right up to
Bond-age.
Gone With the Wind ... the sub-title underlines
the tone of this nostalgia binge: Game of the Week & World Series Games
That Ended While We Were Still Awake.
It Happened One Night ... a sequel to
GWTW, this is merely a compilation of all post-season game
endings, never before seen on the East Coast. Game summaries of Playoff Games
Not Shown in Your Neck of the Woods, starting with 1994 are included, with
East, West and Central versions available.
On the Waterfront ... funded by Tampa Bay fans,
this one focuses on the fascinating court drama still in progress, which may
yet overturn the anti-trust exemption and free the Giants. [This was 1994,
remember, when it looked like the Giants were about to leave their hearts in
San Francisco & head east.]
The Sound of Music ... audiences will stand and
sing along with Harry Caray in a seventh-inning stretch, which is welcome in
this tedious collection of baseball songs and dances, performed by major league
players. The two-minute MTV version of this yawner is quite good, however,
despite the emphasis on rap.
A Man For All Seasons ... the story of four-sport
athlete Deion "Bo" Lemieux, who (like the Energizer Bunny) never stops running,
somehow managing to play both basketball and hockey in the months between the
NFL playoffs and MLB's Opening Day.
From the NOTES Archive -- #66 (May 16, 1994)
My very first lampoon of the annual Symposium in C'town.
COMING ATTRACTIONS DEPT.
Below are some of the titles of the papers being presented at the 6th
annual Cooperstown Symposium on Baseball and the American Culture.-- honest!
(The comments are mine.)
Born is the Savior of Baseball: Babe Ruth as Christ-Figure in The
Babe Ruth Story. (Hard to imagine William Bendix in a halo.)
Women's Baseball: The Swinging 1920s and 30s. (Scenes cut from
A League of Their Own? The ones where Madonna improvises?)
What Happened to Baseball Heroes? (Or, Where Have You Gone, Mr
Coffee? Or, Who Said They Were Role-Models Anyway?)
Meet John Doe, Frank Capra and Baseball: The Celebration and Dark
Side of the American Dream. (It's a wonderful life, until John Doe finds
himself at bat against Ewell Blackwell.)
The Name of the Departed Team: Who Can Use It? (This one sounds
like it's for lawyers, and may go on for days or weeks.)
Baseball's Passionate Collectors: A Psychosocial Perspective of the
Quest for Memorabilia. (Or, How I Finally Forgave Mom For Throwing Out
Those Mickey Mantle Rookie Cards.)
Baseball Symbols in Non-Baseball Films: Reflections of American
Culture. (An analysis of the BB game in Hook?)
Do Baseball Teams Make Money? The Case for Revenue Sharing.
(Sponsored by the Padres, Pirates, Etc.)
Popular Religious Epic and Aristotelian Catharsis in American
Culture: Pilgrimage to Iowa. (Titles like this remind me that PhD sometimes
means Piled High & Deep ... like fertilizer in Iowa.)
The Baseball Moment in the American Film. (I wonder if this is
like the Kodak Moment?)
Baseball, American Culture, and English Composition. (Pick any
two. I wonder if they give a homework assignment?)
From the NOTES Archive -- #67 (May 23, 1994)
A week later I was at it again.
COOPERSTOWN SYMPOSIUM REVISITED
Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend: Women Writers on Baseball --
Panel. (Wonder if they'll discuss Marilyn & Joe?)
Bowing Down to Babe Ruth: MLB & Canadian Culture, 1920-1929.
(I can't imagine what this will deal with. We suspect that the Babe liked
Canadian Club, but that much?)
The 25th Infantry Takes the Field: A Salute to Baseball in the
Army's Black Infantry, 1894-1919. (If this makes it to the silver screen, I
bet James Earl Jones gets a role.)
Returning to the America That Was Meant To Be: The Cinematic
Re-Emergence of Baseball's Cultural Vision. (Funded by the tobacco
companies ... Bull Durham billboards on US highways everywhere!)
America's Metaphor: Life is Just a (Baseball) Game. (I think
these guys spend just a bit too much time in the classroom.)
Nine Innings of Baseball Poetic. (If the home team is ahead, do
they complete that last poem?)
Frederick Taylor's Use of the Baseball Team Metaphor. (I wonder
if Will Rogers ever metaphor he didn't like?)
Carrying the Culture: Baseball and the American Life. (This is
my kind of title: admit it, we carry the whole culture!!!)
The Family of Baseball: Perceptions of the American Family in
Baseball Films of the 1980s and 1990s. (We are still awaiting for
performances that top Lou's parents in Pride of the Yankees.)
Al Lopez: No Nonsense or Prejudiced? (I don't hold the fact that
he wore panty hose against him.)
Playing Centerfield in the Lord's Ball Club: Billy Sunday's 1914
Denver Campaign. (We are really fortunate that TV evangelism wasn't
available to this fellow. Jim Baker, Benched by the Lord!)
From the NOTES Archive -- #115 (October 14, 1995)
I still don't understand why this escaped the mainstream media.
BASEBALL GENE DISCOVERED
Russian scientist Dr Pavel "Pags" Ivanovsky, leader of the Human Genome
Project at the Institute of Molecular Biology, presented a paper at the recent
conference, DNA, Forensics and You, in Gainesville, Florida, that
startled the scientists gathered, and sent a ripple of wonder throughout the
psychiatric community as well. His pronouncement was as bold as it was simple:
project workers have identified the gene which determines whether or not its
carrier will be a baseball fan.
Even more startling were the circumstances of the discovery. While
random-sampling groups of Vodka plant workers in Moscow, the gene was found to
be prominent in about a dozen or so truck drivers. Further testing and
interviewing revealed that they shared a single peculiar common interest: they
belonged to a group of several hundred boosters of the Big Red team currently
touring in Europe.
The curious gene itself, greenish in shade ("almost the color of
grass"), is distinguished by its shifting position in the double helix of its
DNA. In summer months, the gene is tense and agitated, and subtly jockeying for
better position; in winter months, it shrinks to near invisibility.
Similar British studies had hinted at a gene that predisposed men, and
to a lesser degree women, to follow cricket. The Russian discovery was quickly
tested and reproduced in several American studies. Acting Commissioner Bud
Selig refused to be tested, along with White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf and
Yankee boss George Steinbrenner, but volunteers from former players, managers
and current fans all supported the finding.
Reaction to Ivanovsky's paper was swift and emotional. "It explains a
lot," said a wife of an admitted baseball nut. "Maybe now they can find a
cure."
From the NOTES Archive -- #130 (May 4, 1996)
PLAYING WITH TITLES DEPT.
[This is the lineup of actual presentations to be
given at the 8th Cooperstown Symposium on Baseball and American Culture, June
12-14, 1996. Comments mine.]
* Baseball Humor/American Humor. A stunning comparison of 78
similarities between Joe Garagiola and Groucho Marx.
* Baseball's Haunted Diamonds: A Surrealistic Sampler from Dacey to
Heyen to Stuart. Also covers Pirandello's obscure Six Pitchers in Search
of a Bullpen and Bouton's tribute to Beckett Waiting for Ball
Four.
* Baseball's Media Guide: Reflections of Cultural Change.
Documents the conspiracy of TV execs to reshape baseball into a 30-minute
sitcom by 2001. (I think this happened!)
* Integration of MLB Creates Unique Opportunity for Three Black
Women to Play Negro League Baseball. A revealing portrait of the girls who
inspired the Supremes.
* Architecture 507: A Ballfield for Big Inning, Iowa.
Pre-requisite is Arch. 406, A Ballfield for Gilligan's Island.
* Baseball's Service to America in World War II. Emphasis on Moe
Berg, who later spied for Marvin Miller at owners' meetings.
* Babe Ruth, Baltimore, and the Bethlehem Steel League, 1918.
Documents the young Bambino's application for the title Sultan of Swat,
after being turned down for CEO of RBI.
* The Church of Baseball, Baseball and the Church. A redundant
exegesis of Bull Durham's Annie Savoy's creed. Must attend.
* Jackie Robinson and Les Negres blanc d'Amerique: The 50th
Anniversary of a Golden Year in the Pursuit of Equality. Doggedly presented
in French by a panel of mounties from Montreal.
* Baseball Fiction from the Gilded through the Jazz Age. Focuses
on Ring Lardner's prophetic You Know Me, Al Hirt.
* Minor League Baseball Communities Through Time: An Economic and
Demographic Profile. Subtitle: If you build it, they will come all right,
but maybe not enough, and then your taxes will be used to tear it down and
build a new one.
* The Tragic Hero in Baseball and American Life: Mickey Mantle and
the Culture of Fan Worship. The obligatory Mick session for the Big Apple
bunch, by someone who will never get over losing that Topps rookie card.
* Off the Bench and Into the Game: Women Using the Culture of
Baseball to Succeed. Explores the recent unpublicized attempt of Sandra Day
O'Connor to play minor league ball; she was on Michael Jordan's team and no one
noticed.
* A Photographic Study of Minor League Baseball Players.
Includes a fascinating series taken by hidden bus cameras. For mature viewers
only.
* Barbarians at the Plate: The Postmodern Baseball Narrative from
Ball Four to Cobb. With a playful tangent on
breakfasts, from the Babe to Eric Gregg.
* The Commissioner's Ghost: A. Bartlett Giamatti and the Politics of
Belief. Great Giamatti's Ghost! He's back and running for bishop!
* Cal Ripken and the Condition of Freedom. Chronicles Cal's
night in a Baltimore jail after a squabble over a parking ticket.
* Diamonds and Limelight: Baseball Players in Vaudeville,
1880-1930. Examines the civilizing influence on ballplayers, by actors and
showgirls. Followed by probe of Tommy LaSorda.
* The Baseball Strike of 1994-95. No one will show up for the
first part, and attendance off 20% for part two.
* The Myths of Baseball: An Essay on Its Status As Reflected in
Literature and Film. From Play it Again, Stan to the coming
adaptation of Malamud, Casey's Natural Born Killer Instinct.
From the NOTES Archives -- #138 (June 29, 1996)
This goes 'way back to the days when there were leagues with their own
presidents ... remember when Albert Belle was slapped with a stiff penalty for
breaking up a DP attempt with too much enthusiasm (and a forearm to Fernando
Vina's face), but upon further review, the penalty was reduced?
BELLE-WETHER DECISIONS
Shortly after his arrival in Los Angeles, AL president Gene Budig
announced that based on the incidents he reviewed in the in-flight film
Cobb, the Georgia Peach would be suspended from further play, with his
return to action contingent on undergoing counseling for anger disorder. When
it was pointed out that Ty Cobb passed away over thirty years ago, Budig said
that he would take that into account if his ruling was appealed. Later, after
speaking with Players Association counsel Gene Orza, Budig reduced Cobb's
suspension to two games.
Bud Selig announced the same day that St Louis Cardinal outfielder Joe
"Ducky" Medwick was also being suspended, for his overly-aggressive collision
with Detroit Tiger third baseman Marv Owen, in Game 7 of the 1934 World Series.
"While a review of the film was difficult, the circumstances warranted the
penalty," Selig said. "The Cards had the game won. And the fan reaction later
in the game -- all that garbage littering the outfield -- in a World
Series, mind you -- well, it was just bad for baseball, and Medwick's slide
started the whole thing." When reporters pointed out that none of the field
umpires judged the collision excessive, and that Medwick passed away over
twenty years ago, Selig said that was not relevant to his ruling. However,
after speaking with Gene Orza, Selig reduced Medwick's punishment to two
games.
Also, in a surprise move, Selig overturned Commissioner Kenesaw
Mountain Landis' ruling on Joe Jackson and seven other Chicago White Sox
players, who were accused of accepting bribes and deliberately losing the 1919
Series. Selig declared all eight men innocent, and reduced their lifetime bans
to fifty years. "This whole incident was a black eye for baseball," Selig
explained, "and the main thing is put it to rest, once and for all." When it
was pointed out that the penalty seemed harsh if the players were innocent,
Selig explained that his decision took into account the revenues lost for the
team owners, especially in Chicago, in the seasons after the players went on
trial. When Selig was interrupted by an aide, with the message that Gene Orza
was on the phone, Selig reduced the penalty to two days.
Troubled and surly Cleveland outfielder Albert Belle refused to comment
on these rulings, and was seen tossing a baseball that appeared to be headed in
the direction of a reporter, or a fan, before it was caught by a teammate. It
was the latest in a long list of serious incidents involving Belle this
year.
Formerly embattled Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott also declined to
comment. The chain-smoking bigot then wrote on a business card that she would
speak up in early 1999, but only on the condition that her opinions be provided
to her by the Executive Committee of Major League Baseball. It was not clear
whether Schott was wearing a Nazi armband under her jacket, but she probably
was, don't you all agree?
From the NOTES Archive -- #145 (August 30, 1996)
Alternate title: "What I did on my summer vacation."
CARNAK ANSWERS THE TOP 10 RENTALS
1. Twelve Monkeys. Who is holding up the new Basic Agreement
over the issue of service time?
2. Broken Arrow. What do you put on the seat of the fan in front
of you, when he stands up to do the tomahawk chop and chant?
3. Heat. What did Roger Clemens finally get, after he insisted
that the ball is wound tighter this season?
4. Mr Holland's Opus. Where did Albert Belle kick Mr Holland
when he refused to turn over the HR he caught?
5. Dead Man Walking. What would you see if a dead man batted
against Tim Wakefield on one of those days?
6. City Hall. If the fans voted, and could make Bud Selig either
the next Commish or Milwaukee's dogcatcher, where would Bud's new office be
located?
7. The Juror. What should a fan expect to become when he or she
attends a game between Houston and Montreal? (I think at the time, both teams
were drawing about twelve fans per game.)
8. Rumble in the Bronx. What do you hear after Cecil Fielder
leaves the concession stands at Yankee Stadium?
9. Executive Decision. What two words give Marge Schott
nightmares?
10. Happy Gilmore. To whom did the Braves recently give a secret
workout, after the Olympic javelin thrower asked for a two million dollar
signing bonus?
LAST UPS
I hope you have enjoyed this long romp thru the NOTES Archive -- I
found it interesting to see how much things have changed in just the past seven
years. Note, too, that there was a lot of humor in NOTES before Selig's Strike
(of 1994-95) ... I could fill a whole 'nother issue with the dark humor that
appeared during that time.
But humor heals, and it is good that baseball abounds with humor and
with people who keep in mind that it is just a game, and to take baseball --
and its people -- too seriously, is tragic.
I think I poke fun at most, those who use baseball to make money for
themselves -- the TV execs, the blind millionairre owners (and players),
sometimes Peter Gammons, because he seems so sure of himself, when he is often
not. Fans, too, who see dollar signs on old baseballs or bats, instead of
memories of relationships. All greedy people are easy targets for the humorist
and the cartoonist (I wish I could draw better.)
The final pitch I'll toss in this issue: how about some suggestions
from those of you who actually read NOTES, on what you would like to see in a
future issue? I will surely not be able to please everybody, but I enjoy
putting theme issues together, and digging into the Archives which have never
seen the light of the internet. See you next issue.